over 1a

Lemme tell ya people,

when it's all over,

it will be all over.

with me,

with what ever,

with who ever,

with when ever.

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

those who just talk to talk to prove that everything spoken by themselves is not and never wrong, meaning everything they say, argue, spew, banter, dispel or construe is and only can be right can be just that because it doesn't cause, force, define, imply or even denote that the rest of the world's citizens, whom posses also an opinion, are wrong.  no one is ever wrong.  no one is ever right.  and that too is opinion which is not debatable.

canvas

I am envisioned, planned, designed, articulated, presumed, made, created, designated, orchestrated, then admired, by the Trinity.

And so is every living creature.

From our first breath to our last gasp.

We are admired.

From our first mistake to our ending accomplishment.

We are admired.

From our all hidden sins to our unseen forgiveness.

We are admired.

With the ones who hate us and without the ones who love us.

We are admired.

With everything we always wanted to everything we never had.

We are admired.

By needing what's invisible yet always wanting what is.

We are admired.

By the trash we surround ourselves in or the trophy's we never win.

We are admired.

In the center of no one and on the out side of everyone.

We are admired.

In the kingdom's of our ego and in the depths our shame.

We are admired.

The Trinity blesses us each and every morning with a new palette of colors, fresh ideas, vivid mediums, and with the words,

"We can't wait to see what beautiful artistry you will paint for Us today.
We admire your handiwork"!

When we mirror Theirs, who are us, where ever we look the reflections are amazing.

Not "Can Be" or "Will Be" but "Are".

That is how we are to see the world and everyone on it: Their Canvas.

I love art!!

strength

just got off work. went very well. one of my best nights ever. and the Holy Spirit revealed to me a heightened addition and supplication toward renewing my mind and giving me peace. it is not fully realized but i am sure of this de ja vu and what is changing within it. the Trinity is fighting so much for me. i applaud Their vigor and candor. my strength only comes from the Lord. not from my hopes or aspirations. not from feeling forgiven by love or loved one or loved ones or me. my strength does not come from achievements, even if few, or mistakes, even if many. my strength does not come from my successes to adversities or my miss hap's to chance and luck. my strength comes from the only One who comforts me in need. and They ARE the only Onez who comfort me, entirely. i am so thankful for the love and care from such close friends. and even the new, their appreciation for who i am replaces the shit treatment the church has treated me with because of NOT for who i AM but for who they see me as. a failure. churches of the past have hardly comforted me. and only to condemn me. ever since waking up from a coma, i have worked my ass off trying to please church and religion and the god of man. censor jered censor jered censor jered. instead of comforting me when i woke from TBI and being thrown into a brand new world/dream/nightmare called PTSD, you churches and leaders and affiliates said this was my fault. so what is this peace i claim? because i never needed you church or churches or god of the churches. your god of the church is a voodoo doll. soulless. de ja vu? this time around there is "reason", founded on the trust of my heavenly experience. with the help of Doctor Paul Fitzgerald, a verified true man of the Trinity, i am seen and heard and responded in love and care and detail. this is different from the mocking and scorn i dealt with from attempting to enter society as "recovered". this is a different late night. no racing demons to the basis of sleep. my mind is pretty clear that i am loved. and i believe i will stay up a little bit longer resting on that Truth!! a special shout out to other such worthy encouragers: Anita Popp Sandy Decker Christina Scott Tom Benjamin Jeff Dwyer Brad Hill. please keep praying you all. pray that my anger subsides and softens. i am now seeking the definition of my value. praises to the Most High (you know this is plural and not singular, right)? Word.

no sacrifice

Hebrews 10:18
And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

sins and lawless acts are remembered NO MORE people.
don't believe it?
how's that workin' for ya?
you livin' free?
or are ya just livin' FOR free?

you churchy people take for granted this truth.
you pastors!  you laymen!  you deacons!
you leaders!  you priests!  you teachers!
you all continuously ask for sacrifice after sacrifice after sacrifice and are blinded by your rejection of the Truth.
Truth in view.  Truth in your hearts.  but your hearts are only for your hearts.  NOT for the Lord's and you know this.

forcing sacrifice from sufferers.
forcing sacrifice from the blessed.
who do you think you are?
Jehovah knows and He will bring to light your dead seeds of darkness.

full of pity.  full of pity.

sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary!!

heed it.
and rejoice about it.
i soon will, but my anger is a sin of mine?
my anger is from being told over and over from "church" and it's "leaders" that it was MY fault i had an AVM.
i sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed for these last 15 years for what!?
i gained nothing.
you "church"'s still reject me and my sacrifices were never good enough for YOU!
you claim my sacrifices were never good enough for God!
i wasted 15 years, since waking, from what you told me was my FAULT!

today's church is NOT the "bride" or bride of Christ.
it is a whore.  run by pimps.

the True Church of Christ is inside believers and all around us, not in buildings made of wood and stone.

the True Church of Christ doesn't ask for sacrifice so that healing may occur.  my mother medicates me the instant she detects my need.
she is ready for it, not expecting it.
she has the attitude of a pleasant lady, not a peasant woman.
she smiles at me through my suffering, not from or because of my suffering.

and she never asks me to sacrifice anything for her attention.

curse your necessities.

praise the Trinity for we have been fully freed,
fully forgiven,
fully loved,
fully embraced,
fully seen,
fully heard.

miracles

what is the miracle?
is it overcoming adversity?
is it accomplishing what were deemed impossible?
is it achieving talks of goals by self or others?

or .... is a miracle the absence of something?

there are many miracles.
that i am still here is a miracle.
still fighting the demons is a miracle.
still fighting the triggers and tapes is a miracle.
a miracle is that i won't give up.
a miracle is that i see, i experience and i acknowledge the very very very true support.
yes, my perception barely see's it but it does.
i do see it and it keeps happening: the support, the integrated concerns and notice.
a miracle is not only that i want to believe that i am alive, valuable and purposeful,
or can be or will be, but that i believe it.

yes, some beliefs are passing but they're also returning.
a miracle is that i recognize and i am making progress.
small but there.
i am going to stop trying to prevent God from completing the good work in me.
this new creation.  it may take 6 months or 6 years or 60 years.

the miracle is that i can do more than still

walk and

talk and

see and

run and

laugh and

play and

care and

love and

hate.

those are what i am allowed to do.

the miracle is that i don't just defy the odds:

the medical odds;
the educational odds;
the social odds
but that i am taking care of me and i'm not gonna let me falter anymore.
that is a miracle.
that i will not lay down and surrender.
the miracle is that i will control what i used to believe was uncontrollable,
confirmed by the viewing and observations of peer or the above.

the miracle is that i am not inept.
i am apt, more than enough, to either fix my flaws or tweak them.

the miracle is that i will ask for help.

lyte

i've done great deeds. numerous acts of service. performed much to the delight of the crowd. but still what is there to prove? vanity only proves vanity. arrogance only proves arrogance. even determination only proves determination. the axe can only be grinded so much and dull to the soul it rubs.

the awareness of presence, the acceptance of living gifts, and an appreciation toward the minimal including the maximum and still including the magnified reverberates a sound, whether sharp or flat or pitch perfect, that even the deaf, by resination, will curl a grin, then inwardly and silently nod and bounce "yes" to the vibrating pulse of their beating heart.

to be aware is less an act, yet rarely practiced.

to be accepting is with out.

to be appreciative is.

i fully believe, from here on out, a new perspective on life. on what that word means to the out come of what life is. life is the opposite of death? maybe so. maybe not. sure it can be debated, but to be alive is to be aware. to be alive is to accept: without presumption. to be appreciative? i know what it means. the definition of its unused jargon. i know what it is by what it is not. depreciation lessens value so much; so inconsiderately considerably. 

i have value! for too long i'd been attempting to replicate value from the example of others. vicarious. my value will reshine from the only value that shines: Trin. i admit i hated when people would say, "you glow jered" because i feared they would steal my glow. my glow was manufactured or just fat and grease and added polish and turning this way and that way in order to shine the way society wanted me to. it was very very very draining. and i grew comfortable to the distress. because i could admit, only to myself, that what ever shine was emitting from me, was fake. sure the bulb may have been the brightest, but it came with sparks of anger for not knowing, yet actually remembering where true Light comes from. and it only comes from the Source. 

that glow is Supreme and the reason for it's immeasurable amount of brilliance is appreciation. appreciation for what They are. i can only be true, genuine "shine make 'em wonder what chu got ..." shine if i reflect Them. you can not reflect me, and i always knew that which is why i would get defensive toward compliments. i need not be defensive ANY more. cause i know, am quite certain, am sure of, the Source. 

the Source is everlasting. never ending. splendor. radiance. glory. and i have it in me. i know it now. i believe it now. i have it now only because i understand it now. this is what being the light of the world will mean for me. now. and forever. amen.

light deems awareness. light is acceptance. light appreciates what is seen and no longer hidden or hiding. even when we squint cause the light seems too bright, we curl a grin. the only best response to Light is a genuine smile, wide or contrite. 

Light even brightens my darkened past. the shadows of ruin disappear and just figments are left. perplex. wonder. but i know with all, every ounce, of my heart and mind and inner me, Light will show me the answers to my questions. Light shows me what is. what and who are here, still with me, waiting to meet me and greet me. 

Light is in us all. ALL. the switches haven't been turned on for most. but this is a TRUTH: whether or not it is turned on down here on this darkened humanitarian planet, when we reach the nation called emanay, They will replace our fear that keeps us from opening our eyes due to the dark.  They will recharge us with a foreffervescent power of wattage that will never ever ever fade.

that is what there is to look forward to when we close our eyes. every time every night or for the last time on our last night. 

forevervescence!

i proclaim this revelation.

NAMASTE