lyte

i've done great deeds. numerous acts of service. performed much to the delight of the crowd. but still what is there to prove? vanity only proves vanity. arrogance only proves arrogance. even determination only proves determination. the axe can only be grinded so much and dull to the soul it rubs.

the awareness of presence, the acceptance of living gifts, and an appreciation toward the minimal including the maximum and still including the magnified reverberates a sound, whether sharp or flat or pitch perfect, that even the deaf, by resination, will curl a grin, then inwardly and silently nod and bounce "yes" to the vibrating pulse of their beating heart.

to be aware is less an act, yet rarely practiced.

to be accepting is with out.

to be appreciative is.

i fully believe, from here on out, a new perspective on life. on what that word means to the out come of what life is. life is the opposite of death? maybe so. maybe not. sure it can be debated, but to be alive is to be aware. to be alive is to accept: without presumption. to be appreciative? i know what it means. the definition of its unused jargon. i know what it is by what it is not. depreciation lessens value so much; so inconsiderately considerably. 

i have value! for too long i'd been attempting to replicate value from the example of others. vicarious. my value will reshine from the only value that shines: Trin. i admit i hated when people would say, "you glow jered" because i feared they would steal my glow. my glow was manufactured or just fat and grease and added polish and turning this way and that way in order to shine the way society wanted me to. it was very very very draining. and i grew comfortable to the distress. because i could admit, only to myself, that what ever shine was emitting from me, was fake. sure the bulb may have been the brightest, but it came with sparks of anger for not knowing, yet actually remembering where true Light comes from. and it only comes from the Source. 

that glow is Supreme and the reason for it's immeasurable amount of brilliance is appreciation. appreciation for what They are. i can only be true, genuine "shine make 'em wonder what chu got ..." shine if i reflect Them. you can not reflect me, and i always knew that which is why i would get defensive toward compliments. i need not be defensive ANY more. cause i know, am quite certain, am sure of, the Source. 

the Source is everlasting. never ending. splendor. radiance. glory. and i have it in me. i know it now. i believe it now. i have it now only because i understand it now. this is what being the light of the world will mean for me. now. and forever. amen.

light deems awareness. light is acceptance. light appreciates what is seen and no longer hidden or hiding. even when we squint cause the light seems too bright, we curl a grin. the only best response to Light is a genuine smile, wide or contrite. 

Light even brightens my darkened past. the shadows of ruin disappear and just figments are left. perplex. wonder. but i know with all, every ounce, of my heart and mind and inner me, Light will show me the answers to my questions. Light shows me what is. what and who are here, still with me, waiting to meet me and greet me. 

Light is in us all. ALL. the switches haven't been turned on for most. but this is a TRUTH: whether or not it is turned on down here on this darkened humanitarian planet, when we reach the nation called emanay, They will replace our fear that keeps us from opening our eyes due to the dark.  They will recharge us with a foreffervescent power of wattage that will never ever ever fade.

that is what there is to look forward to when we close our eyes. every time every night or for the last time on our last night. 

forevervescence!

i proclaim this revelation.

NAMASTE

realizations of change

A quick heads up:  Things are pretty tough for me right now, I mean, I am still alive but the biggest change that is taking place is relational.

#1.  Maybe with myself or with God.  Ever since the coma, I have never fully been complete with myself.  I could not appreciate life because of what happened.
I could not appreciate life because of what wasn't happening or what was taking so long TOO happen, such as getting a grip on things, realize my losses in friends and ability from what happened.
And from hearing mixed messages from church, I lost a lot of respect for church and maybe God.
I communicated and still do regularly with the Trinity but I miss being with Them more than I enjoy being with you all.
With Them, I was never made to feel 2nd best or forgotten or inadequate, etc.  A mixed message "Jered you have a purpose or a mission".
Yet, it felt stifled.  I did over come many odds, and miraculous things took place such as the cost of hospital bills covered, in many cases.
But in heaven, there are no bills there is no debt so here in this life, it is difficult to appreciate the covering of hospital bills.  It just is for me.

Change: I am "finding myself" or figuring out who I am.  I am not basing that revelation on my parents or friends but on the Trinity.  Most of you have seen me as sad.
My sadness comes from having left Their presence, where I recognized my likeness was as Theirs.  It IS!  We were created in Their likeness but the realization only happens after the transformation,
which also only happens after we escape this dimension.  But, I am back in this dimension and when ever I have attempted to personify Their likeness,
the church steps in and say's, "you are being prideful for your happiness jered and you need to stop".
Or, "nobody survives such a trauma and lives to tell about it".
Well, they are correct in the lines "to tell about it" part.  Cause no church allows me to tell about it.

Not Basehor Baptist Church, which I was Youth Pastor for 3 years and not once did they give me a chance to speak about it.  "control" and when I began to, the pastor said, "you don't have to keep going son, that's not part of the curriculum".
Not Hannibal LeGrange College, a southern baptist college which my youth pastor attended.  The Chairs of the Ministry Department would say, "i've never heard anything like that before.  so it has no place here to speak about it".
Not churches down the street from where I am now living.
Not churches down the street from where I used to live.

Being muzzled by the church is depressing and depleting.

#2.  With significant other, to whom I was never significant to.  I realize I put so much in to that relationship, and I smiled across the board.  It was evident.  What was not, was that it was not reciprocated.  And even my expectation that it should be, was based on the ritualism of church, the control of church, the beliefs of church.  No matter what type of significant other an individual has, each other's investment to the relationship will never be equally reciprocated but highly expected to the point of anticipation or force.

There may be love but is it balanced with respect?  Mine wasn't.  There was love, and plenty of it but that love was rooted on what they could do or receive.