jump

my path has taken quite a turn.
and a sudden halt.
i look down and see the cliff before me, below me.
my wisdom confirms i am being viewed from Above.

"jump. jump. JUMP"!

i have risen from the crash of 1998.
the blow up. the set up.
and there really can be no turning back,
only glances Above from whence i came.

no more a fall, neither from Grace,
summoned to earth, received out of place.

yet ... ... ... i let go from the clutches of death, my many friendz,
for i shall return for you.

we have broken down in the darkened light of day,
our embarrassment will decay and we will enter the Amazing Beauty.

together. ALL together.

even though i have let go, i have been flooded with so much pain,
not my own. i leave a trail from where they came from, from who seared and burned and branded me a no body.

and i will never visit you unless it is with my alliance new friend, evil.

evil will pay you your dues. and i smagrin to that.
they and i will have a bonfire in your honor.
ha ha

i will sing as i sharpen my sickle in the storm you have created. in me.

at least i know I am forgiven.

OVER RUN DOWN

I AM TERRIBLY ANGERED!!  (AND YOU CAN BET IT'S YOU, YOU GOD DAMNED CHURCHES)!!  this car in front of me just stopped, no warning, no sign.  as i slowly pulled to the left of it to not rear end it, and to "continue forward", this little terrier, dressed in a baby's diaper (fucking humiliating), ran in front of my car!!  i did not slam on the brakes cause it is drizzling (yet all i envisioned was squashing this tiny animal).  i stopped.  just sat, alongside the other car, also in the middle of the road.  i turned and looked over my left shoulder, and, "phew thank you", saw it skimper across the median.

That pisses me off that some ass hole would dress it in that way and then drop it off right in on coming traffic.

That doesn't anger me as much, though, as 1. it's symbolism or relation to what, i am realizing more AND MORE, of what has happened to me in the recent YEAR!!  and 2. what is happening for my future.

I, too, was just tossed to the side of the road!!  Relationally.  Spiritually!  Organizationally.  By  church that said, "you jered are now family".  for 3 years.  "you are family".

"oh you don't want to be dressed as a baby sitter anymore?  then you have 3 days to get ALL your stuff out of our church or we'll throw it to the side of the road".

I am mocked by christian leadership and when the rest of the worshipers take notice, they re-enact it.

I should be that dog running frantic.  Abandoned by "church of love" AND love it's self.  her self.

I should be run over and smashed to no remains.

Or is this how the demons feel?  My sweet innocent demon family.

Soon, your counter part will be you.  And we will live symbiotically.  Love un-expectantly.  Sacrificially.

AGAIN as originally intended.  implied.

A S K

A :
the directions.
the maps
the details
the legend
the degrees

S :

K:
doors of our heart
doors of our soul
open inward to let persons places things in
but inward barriers hinder entrances from visitors
stacks upon stacks upon stacks of personal weight
and pressure:
guilt
shame
embarrassment
k these down

a life of loss to mourn breaking new ground

mourning lasts for a morning

because attention is on

the past or the future.

disrespect is not a threat

but

a threat is disrespect.

blessed verses cursed:

i am the latter because 

i walked in the counsel of the ungodly: shannon, manny, joe, new leader kids, chad, ben, lisa, etc.  

i stood in the way of sinners: shannon, manny, joe, barb, madison, harrison, a.j., lisa, etc.  

i sat in the seat of the scornful: shannon, manny, lisa, marty, marian, etc.

and to the one who says and believes this opinion,

"you want somebody who will take care of you",

the irony or amphiboly is that i took care of "you".

not just your hang overs, but i cleaned up your vomit and broken bottles.

i replenished the losses, i fixed the damages, and i dealt with the mistreatment from your friends and your family.  all who were, by law, mine too and acted by law.

i treated them as family and friend by choice, meaning i was pleased to have them as "relative".

it is beneficial to do things that have more potential for betterment than relapse.

i have been so self medicated for too long.

sure, i've had the supplemental attention by few family and friends but zero from crippling christian society and nil from certain ecclasia in general.

so, i know, or realized to know, what is going on to me in relation to the depression:

i am standing my ground for what i believe in,

what i am convicted by.

all throughout this failure, of a "m"-word, i have received in the face of opposition: abuse, and when i move on and forward with my life toward Trinity i also receive a backlash of abuse.  when i stand my ground because of confidence i take on overwhelming amounts of abuse, yet, the Trinity has provided, in response to the abusers, great amounts of comfort or help.

soft bandages of scriptura and cooling ointments of care.

what was the abuse about?

envy.

i lived the Fruit and i multiplied it, as commanded.

and i didn't just make it look easy,

it was and it is what it is and was and will always be:

life

even though it seem not easy

still

i smagrin.

over 1a

Lemme tell ya people,

when it's all over,

it will be all over.

with me,

with what ever,

with who ever,

with when ever.

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

those who just talk to talk to prove that everything spoken by themselves is not and never wrong, meaning everything they say, argue, spew, banter, dispel or construe is and only can be right can be just that because it doesn't cause, force, define, imply or even denote that the rest of the world's citizens, whom posses also an opinion, are wrong.  no one is ever wrong.  no one is ever right.  and that too is opinion which is not debatable.

canvas

I am envisioned, planned, designed, articulated, presumed, made, created, designated, orchestrated, then admired, by the Trinity.

And so is every living creature.

From our first breath to our last gasp.

We are admired.

From our first mistake to our ending accomplishment.

We are admired.

From our all hidden sins to our unseen forgiveness.

We are admired.

With the ones who hate us and without the ones who love us.

We are admired.

With everything we always wanted to everything we never had.

We are admired.

By needing what's invisible yet always wanting what is.

We are admired.

By the trash we surround ourselves in or the trophy's we never win.

We are admired.

In the center of no one and on the out side of everyone.

We are admired.

In the kingdom's of our ego and in the depths our shame.

We are admired.

The Trinity blesses us each and every morning with a new palette of colors, fresh ideas, vivid mediums, and with the words,

"We can't wait to see what beautiful artistry you will paint for Us today.
We admire your handiwork"!

When we mirror Theirs, who are us, where ever we look the reflections are amazing.

Not "Can Be" or "Will Be" but "Are".

That is how we are to see the world and everyone on it: Their Canvas.

I love art!!